As we go through life we have a variety of experiences, for to live is to experience. These experiences range from amazing things, happy things, sad things, tragic things, and traumatic things. Through each experience we develop behaviors that help us get through it—the good, the bad, and the ugly.
We take this emotional baggage with us, but at some point we need to set it down.
While these learned behaviors helped us at the time, and even for some time afterward while we heal, they aren't meant to be lifelong. Once we are removed from the experience and have learned whatever growth lesson we can from it, the behaviors we learned to cope with the experience are no longer necessary. Those learned behaviors no longer serve us and can actually hold us back from starting new ventures in life, love, and career.
Releasing and unlearning something that became so necessary to our ability to cope and get through a difficult time is not an easy undertaking. The subconscious and even conscious mind will resist, much like a child resists giving up their safety blanket. Like that blanket, these learned behaviors make us feel safe and without them we feel like we will be left vulnerable, without protection from the horrible things that hurt us in the past.
The truth is, you are not unarmed.
Through those experiences, you learned necessary skills to be able to protect yourself in the future and avoid those experiences.
For example, if you were in a partnership where all the work got unevenly distributed to your shoulders and it was up to you to carry the business/relationship, but the other person pitched in every now and then so it wasn't as if they did nothing, you might have learned some coping behaviors that led you to expect people not to contribute to a partnership equally. You may have developed the behavior, belief, or expectation that no one will help you carry the load and that it will always fall to you to make progress. You may have developed the behavior or belief that you had to take on that much of the load every time if you wanted to move forward at all in your life.
This kind of behavior would have helped you at the time to avoid the collapse of the business or relationship, but you can only take on that kind of weight for so long. Eventually, this unequal distribution has to come to an end. Once it has ended, though, and you are free from the situation that put too much on one person's shoulders, you no longer need those behaviors listed above. In fact, the behavior or belief that no one will take on an equal load and that you have to consistently take on that much just to make progress in your life will actually set you up to repeat this experience over and over again.
So you must release it.
Hold on to the lessons that you learned from it: being able to recognize unequal partnerships, the extent of your own strength and endurance, the limitations you also possess, and your determination and skill to persevere and move forward toward your own goals. Release the expectation that no one will help you—people want to help others, and when you create boundaries that don't allow yourself to over-give, you will find those people. Release the behavior that you won't move forward if you don't shoulder the burden—you will, just stop taking the dead weight with you. You've learned how to identify the dead weight, so you don't need to worry about it happening again.
Here are some lessons I have learned over the years and the behaviors I am releasing, hopefully they will help you start your own list so that you, too, can release those learned behaviors that are no longer serving you and move forward with the wisdom you have gained toward a fresh start and a new adventure, free from the baggage you've been carrying with you.
Dishonesty and lack of self-trust taught me to trust myself and my own abilities.
Unequal workload taught me that I am intelligent and good at problem solving a solution.
Inequality taught me to recognize unequal partners, situations, and behaviors.
Unreliability taught me that I am dependable.
Not knowing who you are or what you want in life taught me to live my own truth, and that by living my truth authentically I will attract other people who live theirs—no mind games, no mixed messages, no flakes.
Denial taught me that I can't help people who are lying to themselves and that I can't make anyone see their own worth and/or potential, that is something for each of us to discover on our own.
Imposter syndrome taught me that I have achieved more, learned more, mastered more, and understand more than I give myself credit.
Selfishness and neglect taught me that I don't need to spend my time on people who won't make time for me.
Hard-earned progress taught me my own strength, endurance, and determination.
Silence and being drowned-out taught me the value of my own voice and that what I have to say is worth sharing.
Hard and painful situations taught me that sometimes it’s the people you're with who make it hard and painful, the situation isn't always inherently that way. Stop dealing with those toxic people and everything won't be so hard and painful anymore.
Being taken advantage of and being used taught me boundaries and setting boundaries with my time and effort. I don't have to be so accessible and it is not my responsibility to make everyone happy.
Goals and dreams put on hold taught me that I need to prioritize myself and not give all I have to everyone else. I am not their fairy godmother, they need to work on making their own dreams come true and I am happy to lend a hand when I can but it is not all up to me to do it for them.
Deflection taught me to be secure in myself: I know who I am, I know what is important to me, and I know what I value.
Manipulation taught me how honesty sounds and the weight and feel of it.
Depression taught me how to take care of myself. Pets and plants help.
Anxiety taught me how to prepare for anything, and how to identify real threats vs the ones in my mind.
With these lessons learned I no longer have to hold on to trust issues, fears, hurt, anger, shoulder all the work, or drag that dead weight across the finish line. Not everything is a battle. Not everything is a dramatic scene. Not everything is going to crumble. Not everyone is selfish and self-centered. Not everything has to be hard-won.
Armed with wisdom, we can release the behaviors that helped us get through these situations and trust that we have learned enough from them not to revisit them. It's time to make space for new experiences and we already have all we need to move forward, baggage is not necessary.
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