I recently re-watched the movie “She’s Out of My League” and it got me thinking more deeply on the whole “league” concept when it comes to dating, relationships, jobs, homes, anything that we really want and can build a life with. Unlike my Fiction Relationship Analysis blog, this isn’t going to delve into the characters and their dynamic so much as it is the social construct of “leagues” and the toxic mindset that it perpetuates.
If you’re unfamiliar, the concept of being out of someone’s league is that one partner of interest is perceived as being better than the other. This perception of “better” can be for a variety of reasons such as looks, wealth, intelligence, personality attributes, etc. Whatever is perceived by society as a whole, or individual social groups, as being desirable traits. If one partner seems to possess these traits while the other is lacking them either entirely or to the same degree that the “better” one has them, they are perceived as being in two different leagues. The “better” partner is in a higher league (similar to being in a Major League in baseball) and the other is in a lower league (such as a Minor League in baseball.)
The film “She’s Out of my League” shows this toxic social construct in action by developing the scenario where Kirk (played by Jay Baruchel), is dating a woman, Molly (played by Alice Eve), whom his friends perceive to be “out of his league” or significantly better than him. They think she’s hotter, smarter, more successful, etc. than a partner an average-looking guy like him should be with. His terrible friends constantly bring up all of Kirk’s inadequacies and insecurities, lowering his self-confidence and making him believe that he’s not good enough to be with this beautiful, genuine and kind woman. Unsurprisingly, spoiler, Kirk sabotages the connection. Everything is resolved by the end of the film, but that’s not the part I want to dive into.
Kirk knew what an incredible person Molly was, that’s why he asked her out. He had insecurities from the start (we all do), but he was doing okay with the relationship until his perceived support system started exploiting his insecurities to sabotage the connection. Honestly, I cannot express how furious it makes me when I watch this movie to see how Kirk’s friends and family speak to him. I started to, but it just comes out as one, long rant filled with profanity. I might unleash myself later, we’ll see. Main takeaway is that his friends and family should have supported him and helped him grow so that he could have a successful relationship, instead of tearing him down and telling him how unworthy he was and how he was going to fail.
The sad truth is, we can’t control the support people choose to give us, but we can control our actions, our mindsets, and who we surround ourselves with. The whole “league” hierarchy is a mindset. We all have insecurities, even Molly calls Kirk out on this, but we can’t let those insecurities keep us from growing and reaching for our happiness. If we’re surrounded by people who talk down to us, who bring up our flaws and throw them in our face as reasons why we don’t deserve more, then fuck those people. Surround yourself with friends and family who remind you that we all make mistakes and our past doesn’t determine our worth, it is our actions in the present that matters most. If you want to grow and be better, do it!
You have the power to change your life and circumstances.
You don’t have to be stuck playing in the same league just because your shitty friends are too scared to take a step out of their comfort zone and try out for a better team. They want to keep you in the same place so that they feel better about themselves which is only holding you back and making you feel terrible. Or, if it’s not the people around you and you’re self-sabotaging all on your own, don’t be stuck in little league just because you’re worried what about what someone somewhere may one day judge you on. They don’t know you. They don’t live your life. Why on earth would you let some random judgey person with their own problems and insecurities keep you from shooting for your happiness?
If they tell you that the partner you want, or the job, or the house, or whatever is “out of your league” then tell them to shove off (I did censor myself there, I’m trying to get my rant back on track). That is them projecting their fears and insecurities on you because they’re too scared try out for something better. That’s their problem. Not yours. Face your own fears and know that you are worth the effort you put in. If you get an opportunity to play in a “better” league, then step up to the plate.
Yes, it’s scary, but how else will you grow and find out what you are capable of?
Clearly, the person giving you the opportunity saw the potential for you to succeed. They wouldn’t be giving you a chance to bat if they didn’t think you could play. So step up. You might find that you are better equipped for this league than you may have thought. Sure, you may not hit it out of the park. Sure, you may not even get on base the first time you try, but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong there. Don’t let a case of the yips, or let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.
Most importantly, if you are scared that if you step up to bat and the person who is giving you the opportunity to play in this “higher” league will laugh at you and tell you that it was all some prank and you don’t belong there, then you don’t. NOT because you failed and they’re better than you, but because you don’t deserve to be treated that way. That’s some toxic bullshit. You don’t want to play whatever messed up game that is. Take your bat and run far away, and be grateful that they just weeded out their toxicity for you. You deserve better than that.
Surround yourself with people who want the best for you; who want you to be happy; who support you when you try, and will pull you back up when you fail. If you don’t currently have those people then I will tell you that you are worth that. You are worth happiness. You deserve the opportunities you are given and you deserve to be successful and loved. You are worthy. You are worthy now, not just when you succeed.
The league hierarchy is a myth and mindset.
We all have insecurities and self-limiting beliefs, behaviors, and thought patterns. We all have things we want, and aspects of ourselves we with were better. Don’t let the fear, the self-doubt, and your insecurities keep you from growing and healing those beliefs and behaviors. The mindset focused on the league and who’s playing and whether or not you can measure up is the limited perspective. Don’t focus on that. Focus on your growth. Focus on the life you’re building. Focus on becoming the person you want to be.
If you strike out, you still stepped up to the plate and that’s a hell of a lot more than someone who just sits on the sidelines or stares longingly over the fence from a team they’ve long outgrown. If you strike out, then that wasn’t the right game for you and that’s okay. Keep trying and growing and working on making your life the one you want because one day you’ll find the right fit and you will hit it out of the park.
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