Thank you for sharing your opinion. Thank you for providing an alternate perspective. For some of you, it was helpful and assisted in my growth. For many, many others, I understand that it was not about me at all. You projected your insecurities, your doubts, and your fears upon me. Whatever I did that you felt you needed to gaslight me about, wasn’t because I did something wrong, wasn’t because I was crazy like you made me believe, but it was because you were in such denial about facing your own fears, shortcomings, insecurities, what-have-yous, that it was easier for you to deny it all, shut me down, and shut me out.
I wish you healing. I am sorry that you were in that state. Your feelings are valid, but your actions toward me were not. I didn’t deserve your wrath. I didn’t deserve your manipulation. I didn’t deserve you tearing me down because that somehow, just maybe, made you feel a little more secure. I understand that gaslighting me and making me feel crazy allowed you a grace period to continue living in denial. If I was the crazy one, then you didn’t have to face whatever truth I presented you with. If I made it all up, then you could continue living your life as you always did and need not look into yourself or change.
I hope that growth found you. I hope that you found the strength to get out of that place. I know how lonely it feels and how scary it is. I know that we all wrap warm denials around us like shields and security blankets. I know how cozy they feel. A fantasy where you have control. But that’s no way to live your life. You’ll never reach your highest heights if you don’t cast off the blanket and face the truth. The truth can be cold, yes. Like the sun on a winter day, it feels harsh and frigid, but the sun always nurtures and helps promote growth. Even in winter.
Those of you who made me doubt what I was made of, who said I couldn’t do something, I understand that it wasn’t about what I was capable of, but doubt within your own capabilities. It wasn’t about whether or not I could, but could you? If I went and did what I said I would do, then that would show you how you’ve been selling yourself short. That would show you the lies you told yourself about how it wasn’t possible. I’m glad I was able to show you that anything is possible. You made it difficult for me to believe it at times, but I refused to give up and live a life of stagnancy. I knew it had to be possible because the alternative felt so much worse. I hope that you saw what could be and have tried for more in your own life. I hope that you were inspired to face your fears and do whatever you were called to do. I believe in you, even though you didn’t believe in me.
Those of you who made me feel like a failure, I honestly don’t understand the intent behind this one. You make mistakes. Why can’t I? You fail, we all do. Yet, so many of you made it seem like I was supposed to be exempt from this. As if I was supposed to be perfect and do no wrong. What does my perfection mean to you? Why was it so important that I get everything right, all the time, on the first try? That’s an impossible standard to hold anyone to. I tried for so long; you set the bar and I worked on maintaining it. All the times I fell off that perfect pedestal and you’d say, “YOU? You made a mistake? YOU messed up? Well, if you messed up, what hope is there for us. If YOU can’t figure it out, then we don’t have a chance.”
Ah, I see it now. You put all the weight on me to take it off yourself. There’s no way I—or anyone—could be perfect, thus you didn’t have to try so hard. If you put all the weight on me and I couldn’t make it, then pffft, why bother attempting? I’m sorry you were scared to try. Everyone is. I’m sorry you didn’t believe it was okay for you to fail, or make mistakes, but it was unfair of you to put that expectation on me. For so long I’ve lived a life feeling that any misstep was the worst possible thing. I've spent decades walking on eggshells. I’ve been so hard on myself, trying to fit an ideal that cannot possibly be.
I want to fail. I want to make mistakes. I want to learn and grow and not get everything right on the first try because life is so much deeper and more complex than all that. Most of all, I want it to be okay. I don’t want you to think less of me for being human. I don’t want to carry the burden of your shame, of your fears, of your failures. I want you to love yourself for yours, and allow me to love myself for mine.
I know that I’m not perfect – I don’t want to be.
I know that I make mistakes and missteps – I own that and take responsibility.
I grow. I learn. I live the best way I can and know how.
I’m not crazy. I wasn’t wrong. I lived with the shadow of your gaslighting on my heart, the echoes of those lies in my head with every step I took. For so long it has swirled inside me that maybe you were right. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I couldn’t trust or believe in myself like I thought.
I’m not buying into that, anymore.
I know when I’m wrong and I own it. I know when I’m right, too. I’m going to own that, as well. No more maybes. You can have your opinion. You can have your denial. You can have your fears, your shame, your doubt. I give it all back to you. I’m not carrying it any more. It doesn’t belong to me.
I will only take with me that which helps me grow. I will only take with me that which is true, and I do know the difference. The truth has a weight to it that a lie can never hold. I’ve allowed myself to doubt because you fed off my insecurities. You played into my deepest fears. It’s okay, I forgive you and I thank you. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t have known they were there. If you hadn’t, the space for me to confront them wouldn’t exist. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t be able to give us both the love, forgiveness, and growth that we deserve.
These fears and insecurities exist in all of us. We’re not alone in having them, so relieve yourself of that shame. They’re natural, and they’re part of the process of life.
I’m choosing to release them. I’m choosing to let them go and grow. I’m choosing to believe in myself because I know I am capable and deserving of so much more. I’m choosing to unburden my heart, my soul, and to lay it all bare because I’m not perfect, I am strong, I’m not always right but I’m not always wrong.
I trust myself above all, because I’ve been the one to get me through everything. I’ve been the one to pick myself up after each fall, I’ve been the one to open my heart up and try again, I’ve been the one to dream and work and push and fight for everything I have in my life. I’ve gotten myself through it. I supported myself then, I support myself now, and I have more than earned my own trust. I have proved my own worth. I accept that I am enough for myself and my standards.
Thank you for your help in building this foundation within myself. Thank you for your opinion. I don’t need you to tell me who I am, any more. I’ll take it from here.
I hope this letter finds you with love, and I hope you take that love and turn it inward. I hope that in the time we’ve been apart, however long that’s been, you have found growth, healing, and happiness. I hope that you believe in yourself and spread love and support to others instead of the fear and doubt you spread to me.
Please also consider this an open apology to anyone who felt I did the same to them. I am sorry, I never meant to make you feel that way. I try to deliver feedback and criticism with love. I try to think of the consequences of my words and actions. I try, but I make mistakes.
We’re all learning the same lessons in life. We’re all trying to find love, acceptance, and confidence. We’re all walking different paths on a similar journey and we will all get to the same destination. I’m learning just like you. I’m trying and failing, just like you. I’m doing the best I can to grow and be better, I hope you will, too.
I’m excited to take off my cozy blanket of denial, cast out the shadows of doubt, and illuminate the darkness where gaslighting once dimmed my light. May the voice inside me be stronger than the voices that try to bring me down. May the light inside me burn brighter than the lies. May I always trust my inner compass to guide me and know that I follow it with open heart, pure intentions, and a growing mind. The future ahead is so much lighter and brighter than where I’ve been and I am excited for all the adventures I have yet to live.
I seal this letter with love, with forgiveness, and with support. I believe in each and every one of us to become the best version of ourselves that we’ve always wanted to be.
Sincerely,
Me
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