"Forgive those who hurt you so that you can move on." I've heard this over and over. It's everywhere: it's on every self-help blog (now, including mine. If you can't beat them…re-write the message and share something actually helpful and meaningful that doesn't give unnecessary justification to abusers and perpetuates a toxic cycle where everything is the victim's responsibility…); it's in a slew of emotionally charged movies. It's even stitched on freaking pillows.
I hate this advice.
I fought this advice.
I stubbornly and aggressively resisted everything about this advice.
My hurt, anger, and feelings of betrayal built a wall around my heart where I could fester in the safety of my isolation, and it wasn't until I peeked over this wall that I finally understood why forgiveness was so important.
If I wanted to break free from these feelings, if I wanted to let someone new in, if I wanted to experience a new beginning—I had to forgive.
Not because the person who hurt me deserves my forgiveness (we don't owe anyone anything—just like they don't OWE us an apology, we don't OWE them forgiveness.)
Not because I'm such a great person who takes the high road turns the other cheek (I'm not Jesus…)
Not because it feeds my ego and makes me feel superior to those who have hurt me (Ha ha, I'm more emotionally evolved, I can FORGIVE. No.)
And NOT because uttering those words will magically make everything better and all these ugly feelings will just up and go away (it doesn't, and they don't.)
I had to forgive because giving them forgiveness, means I also forgive and heal myself.
All those feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal were just as equally tied up with the other person and situation as they were with myself. I was angry at myself for allowing it to happen, to keep giving second and third chance, for being so understanding all the time. I was hurt because I didn't love myself to walk away, to stop it, to hold others to important boundaries. I deluded myself into thinking that if I changed who I was, the situation would change and, therefore, I betrayed myself: who I am and what is in my heart of hearts.
But the ability to issue forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. That's where I kept getting hung up on this advice. You want me to just say "I forgive you" to the nothingness and the spell will be broken? I'll wake up feeling refreshed and whole again? No. No, it doesn't work like that. That's why this advice is so freaking EMPTY without the other part.
Before you can issue forgiveness, find that healing and release you so seek, you have to first break down that wall.
Oh god. Not the safety wall? Yes, that one. Tear it down!
It has taken consistent work to heal these things. It has taken time. Yes, I hate how much time it has taken, but the denial and refusal is really what dragged it out. The actual healing was done in a few (very heavy and intense) weeks. That route isn't for everyone, but some of my baggage had been lingering around for years and it was finally time to just up and face the music. Go at your own pace, it will take the time it will take. Don't push yourself to heal faster, IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
Here is my journey in being able to issue forgiveness and find closure:
1.) Acknowledge emotions. Yes, they are there. No, they don't feel good. No, they can't just be repressed and forgotten. Yes, they are VALID.
It was very difficult to acknowledge how the painful situation(s) made me feel and how they made me feel about myself. Just acknowledging my emotions were there and how they were wrapped up with all my emotions for the situation was a huge revelation. Now I had something to work with, something to heal. I could finally see the bricks that made the wall and not just the wall itself.
2.) Dismantle the emotional bricks in the wall. Yes, one by one. No, it won't feel great. Yes, there will be tears. Yes, there will also be release and peace.
I had to look at each emotion one at a time. Let myself feel it, don't try to reason it or control it, just let it be felt and then let it go. Once I did that, and stopped pushing the feelings down, I eventually got to a place where I could look at each feeling from a more logical and information-seeking perspective rather than the raw, hurt place I was in. Why was I angry? Why was I angry at them? Why was I angry with myself? Validate that anger. What specifically was hurtful? Validate that hurt. Why did the situation become hurtful? What can I learn from it so that I don't repeat it? etc.
At the core of it all, I found what needed healing was my own self-love.
3.) No shame, no blame, no shoulda coulda woulda, just truth. Can't change the past. Can't blame myself for not knowing then what I know now. Can't shame myself for not doing something. Just knowing and processing the honest truth of it.
The honest truth was: yes, someone hurt me. Yes, someone did wrong by me. Yes, the situation was unfair. No, I didn't have the experience to understand what was happening and see it coming. No, I didn't have the confidence to listen to my gut/intuition. No, I didn't have the experience to know what the "red flags" I was picking up on really meant. No, I didn't have the self-love to leave the situation when I should have. Yes, I endured more abuse and unfairness because I chose to stay. Yes, I understand their emotional state and why what happened, happened. No, that doesn't make it okay. No, it wasn't my fault, they shouldn't have been an asshole: when I'm hurt I don't go around hurting other people and treating them unfairly.
Now I have the experience. Now I understand myself better. Now I know what those gut feelings mean. Now I know how to listen to them. Now I love myself enough to walk away. Now I understand that I don't owe anyone anything and it doesn't make me a horrible person for leaving someone/something who might benefit from what I have to offer and walking away from a bad situation.
4.) Acceptance. Accept it as it is. Accept that there's nothing more to be done. Accept that it's over. Accept you can't change it. Accept that maybe you don't want to because of what you gained from it.
Accepting my emotions for what they were, accepting what I learned and gained, accepting what I lost, accepting where I was at the time, and accepting that just as I don't owe forgiveness they don't owe me an apology was a massive unburdening.
5.) Recognize growth.
Accepting all those things allowed me to recognize how far I've come in my personal journey. I'm not that same person. I learned boundaries and how to enforce them. I learned my own strength and self-worth. I learned what I deserve by acknowledging and recognizing I didn't deserve that. I learned to love myself. I learned that my worth comes from within me and not from anyone.
I learned that as long as I keep thinking I need to change to be accepted or for things to go my way I will never be happy and never find fulfillment. Those changes I make to gain approval will never be who I am. They will never lead me to the things I actually want. Anyone or anything that makes me feel like I have to be other than the person I know and love I am, then that isn't right for me and I shouldn't care what they think or say or do. They're not for me. It isn't for me. IT WON'T MAKE ME HAPPY.
6.) Now forgiveness. No apology needed, cuz I'm good. No validation required, cuz I'm good. I don't need anything from you, cuz I'm doing GOOD.
I'm good with me and I'm good with my understanding of what happened: it's not okay, but I'm okay.
I understand the situation and hope that you learned something from it, too. I'm grateful for what I learned and how I grew because I love me and no one can take that from me ever again. I don't need to hold on to this. I don't need anything more from you. I forgive you/the situation. It happened, and I'M GOOD.
Closure.
Now, that wall has been dismantled. Now, those bricks have been broken down and carried away. Now, there's room for something new. Now, I'm open to receive something even better, because now I know better and I love myself better.
This post was inspired by Eric over at Divine Conversations. He is an incredible oracle and tarot reader. I am grateful for all the "Ah ha!" moments he has help guide me toward.
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